This few days i'm having lectures all day. AND... i'm drinking wine with my sister this few days too...

Hai... maybe it's because that i've been very sad about my boy for not contacting me, and that's why i've the mindset of kept going for drink. I really don't have the guts to put down this relationship with him. And neither do i have the confidence to maintain this relationship nor i have the confident to accept new relationship even if i've put down this relationship. I've lost my confident in marriage. My god bro, Richard, once ask me if there were to have a guy wanted me to marry him what will i do?

My answer was i will never want to get marry. and i mean it... He's really surprise to hear this answer and was curious... i told him that to me, marriage was a suppose to be a great thing, inside it, it should have blessing, happiness, caring and concern, love... but now to what i see is marriage was painful and scary... especially after this relationship... i feel that love don't really exist that much in my life. i can never receive the love that i wanted/ wish for... i'm scare really scare... i'm scare of being cheated by man... i started to feel that relationships were batch of bull shit... without it, a person can still live only that he/she will feel lonely/lost at times... i've got no confident towards any relationships...

Haha... really ridiculous right??? Guess if there's really someone out there who really love me, he have to prove himself, prove that love really do exist, have to learn and know what he has to do to melt my heart and let me feel really secure. Haha...

Hai... oh ya... this few days i've doing quite a number of love test... haha... because it's really bored to attend lectures... Plus Sam was leaving soon [ 10 Sep]... really sad that he's leaving...